Gary's Mostly Pointless Blog

Racism is an ugly, ugly thing and there is no quick fix for it.  In America, it has become mostly socially unacceptable to express anything even remotely racist, which is a good thing.  But, I think people can become a little too rigid when it comes to race related issues.  You see, I’m of the opinion that if there’s something you’re afraid to talk about, it has a certain power over you.  The only way to strip it of this power is to talk about it.  Better yet, make fun of it.

In the tradition of “Blazing Saddles” and “The Boondocks”, here is my contribution to poking fun at racism.  My intent is not to offend, so I apologize in advance if it happens.  If race issues are something that you absolutely cannot laugh about, you might be better off not reading this.  But, if you can make the distinction between racist and race-related (and more importantly, fiction and non-fiction), have a read and hopefully a laugh too.

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UNCLE JOE’S CABIN

Joe nervously listened to Mr. Barlowe, only looking away to make sure no one was eying him suspiciously.  Mr. Barlowe had come in to the office to train them all about the evils of racism in the work place.  Joe was nervous because of his over inflated sense of inherited guilt.  As a kid, he was appalled when he learned of the horrible ways that white people had abused nearly every other race on the planet and felt that he was personally responsible.  Brad tried to talk sense into him several times stating that Joe had never owned any slaves, never been to a lynching and never did anything in any way disrespectful to anyone of a minority.  This did nothing to assuage his shame and self-loathing.

Brad on the other hand had no such hangups for pretty much the same reasons that he gave to Joe. In fact, he hated this training because of how offensive he found it. The instructors always gave some horribly offensive situation and more racial slurs than he’d hear in the next year.  Brad felt these classes gave more ammunition to racists than they did discouragement.

“…and I think we’ve all heard things like: all black people like fried chicken or all white people are bad dancers or all Mexicans are lazy.  These things simply aren’t true.”

“Goddamn it!” Brad said under his breath to Joe, “Can you believe this?!”

Joe shushed him and focused on Barlowe.  Brad looked over at the notes Joe was taking and read: “not all Mexicans lazy.”  ‘All’ was underlined.  Brad looked up at his friend who was listening intently to every word. He thought this personality quark to be at odds with Joe’s brash temperament, but it was there nonetheless.  Brad figured that at least some of this anxiety stemmed from the fact that their boss, Mr. Sinclair, was black.  Brad looked over at Mr. Sinclair and he appeared as uncomfortable as everyone else in the room.  The clock on the wall told Brad that they had another full hour of this.  Brad had to do something.

“A common belief these days is that all Arab-Americans are terrorists.  I know, they may look scary, but they’re people just like you and me and only a small handful are actually terrorists…”

“Holy shit!  This is terrible!” Brad said under his breath and Joe shushed him again.

Brad couldn’t believe his ears or Joe.  He thought about the fact that if Joe was racist to anyone, it was white people.

That’s when Brad got a wonderful idea.  An awful idea.  Brad got a wonderfully, awful idea.

He raised his hand.

“Yes?”

“Mr. Barlowe, there’s uhh…there’s something I’d like to say but I don’t want to get in trouble for it.”

“Yes, go ahead.  Feel free to discuss whatever you want.  As long as you’re respectful, you’ll be fine.”

“Well sir, it’s about Obama.  I mean, I know it’s wrong for not trusting him based on his ethnicity, but I just can’t help it.”

The room received a fresh coat of unease.

“Well…there are lots of rumors out there about the President, but most of them are simply untrue.”

“No, it’s not rumors I have a problem with.  It’s…well…the color of his skin.”

“So…you’re saying you have a problem with him being black?”

“No, no.  Not at all.  I have a problem with him being white,” Brad said, adding a fresh coat to the room.

“I, uhh…” Mr. Barlowe said, “You mean, you have a problem with mixed-race people?”

“No, like I said, I have a problem with white people.”

“But…you’re white.”

“I know…it’s horrible, isn’t it?”

Joe’s eyes were wide and he was awash with inner turmoil.  On one hand, he knew that Brad didn’t mean what he was saying.  On the other, he kind of sort of agreed with him.  Joe didn’t know whether to shut him up or applaud.

“Well, uhh…hmm,” Mr. Barlowe said uneasily.

“Yeah, I know it’s wrong to judge someone by the color of their skin, but I can’t help it,” Brad said, feigning a modicum of shame.

“But why don’t you trust white people?” Barlowe said, hoping to bring something reasonable into the discussion.

“Most of the worst people in history were white,” Brad said matter-of-factly.

“Well, that’s not-”

“Hitler: white.  Stalin: white.  Michael Bay: White.”

“Now hold on, what’s wrong with Michael Bay?!”   Barlowe could see that he losing control of this conversation.

“Have you seen Transformers?  Terrible!”

Grunts of agreement sounded throughout the room.

“I mean, here’s this Caucasian,” Brad said, using the word like it was an insult, “making a movie based on a childhood love of mine.  He has attacked and defiled the very roots of my culture!”

Barlowe tried to speak but was cut off.

“Charles Manson, Ted Kaczynski, the Sham-wow guy; all white and all horrible people.  You see, the white man has-”

“OK! OK!” Barlowe said, waving his hands frantically.  “I think, umm, that’s enough for today.  I think uhh, I think we’ve all learned a lot.  Thank you for your time.”  Mr. Barlowe collected his things and made a hasty exit, obviously disturbed.  There was an unenthusiastic golf-clap and everyone shuffled out of the room and back to their cubicles.

“I can’t…I can’t believe you did that!”  Joe said to Brad once they were out of earshot of everyone else.  “How could you…how could you-”

“You’re saying you disagree?”

“I…yes.”

Brad looked at him, raising an eyebrow and unconvinced.  Joe was about to say something, but he saw Mr. Sinclair coming their direction.

“Mr. Stockley,” Sinclair said to Brad, “I have got to say that I have never heard anything like that before in my life.”  Joe backed away, not wanting anything to do with Brad’s practical joke.  “What’s more, I’ve never thought to do that.  Nice work.  I hate those training sessions, they’re so offensive.”

“No problem, sir,” Brad said smiling.

Mr. Sinclair walked away, chuckling.  “Michael Bay! Ha!”

Brad turned to a paralyzed Joe.  “Back to work, white boy.”

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Read more about Brad & Joe here:

The Vicious Cycle

Power Words

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